There is a peculiar kind of grief that comes with realizing you were never allowed to be yourself. It’s not the sharp, stabbing pain of loss, but a dull, persistent ache—a phantom limb of identity.
You feel it when you catch yourself censoring your thoughts before they leave your mouth, or when you realize you’ve spent years chasing dreams that were never yours. It’s the grief of absence, of a self that was never given permission to exist.
It is the haunting idea of an almost-self—a version of you that could have been, should have been, but wasn’t. Maybe you were told you were too much or not enough. Maybe your needs, your dreams, your quirks were met with disapproval or silence. Maybe you learned, somewhere along the way, that parts of you had to be hidden, softened, erased.
And so, without even realizing it, you became a carefully curated version of yourself. A self that fit the expectations of others. A self that was safe.
Here’s the thing though, this grief or haunting is not the end. It’s a beginning. It’s the soil in which you can plant the seeds of a self you were never allowed to have.
Building that self is not about erasing the past or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about excavation, exploration, and creation. It’s about giving yourself permission to exist in ways you were never allowed to before.
But, how do you build a self you were never allowed to have? Lets explore a few ways
Excavation
Building a self you were never allowed to have starts with an excavation. Digging through the layers of conditioning, through all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”, the “oughts” and “musts” that shaped you. It will require you to sift through the layers of expectations, obligations, rules, and beliefs that were imposed on you.
Some of these layers will be obvious—like the career path your parents insisted you follow or the way you were taught to suppress your emotions. Others will be subtler, like the way you learned to shrink yourself to fit into spaces that were never meant for you.
In this process you may ask questions like:
- What parts of me were discouraged?
- What did I love as a child before I learned it was “wrong” or “silly” or “pointless”?
- Where have I made myself small for the comfort of others?
- What do I envy in others? (Hint: It might be a reflection of something you buried in yourself.)
- What did I dream of before I was told it was impossible?
As you ask this questions you will have to ask your self whether the answers It will be a process that requires a lot of questioning and willingness to unlearn. It requires grieving the versions of you that were ignored or abandoned. But it’s also the beginning of something incredible: choice.
You get to choose which pieces you want to reclaim.
Exploring Rules
Every family, culture, and society has its own set of rules—spoken and unspoken. These rules shape us, often in ways we don’t even realize. They tell us what is acceptable, what is valuable, and what is possible. But here’s the thing: rules are not laws. They are choices. And choices can be questioned.
Start by identifying the rules that have governed your life. Maybe you were taught that success means a high-paying job, or that love means sacrificing your own needs. Maybe you were told that certain emotions—anger, sadness, desire—are dangerous or shameful. Once you’ve identified these rules, ask yourself:
- Who made them?
- Who do they serve?
- Are they facts or universal truths?
- Do I still want to follow them?
This process can be unsettling. It requires you to challenge beliefs that may feel like truths. But it’s also liberating. When you question the rules, you create space for new possibilities. You give yourself permission to define success, love, and emotion on your own terms.
Identifying Expectations and Obligations
This process may also involve identifying expectations and obligations that are imposed on us. These define how we are expected to show up in life and in relationships. They also define the roles we anticipated to play.
These expectations and obligations are meant to make us controllable and predictable. When they are not followed they may be enforced through evoking feelings of guilt and shame. The evocation of these emotions is usually a conditioned or programmed response.
We may ask questions like:
- who am I expected to be in relationships?
- How am I expected to show up?
- What roles am I expected to play?
- What actions am I expected to perform in response to different situations?
- Is this what I want?
- Who would I rather be?
Unapologetic Experimentation
This is where the fun begins. Think of it as trying on different versions of yourself to see what fits. Rebuilding a self isn’t about finding a perfect, finished version of you—it’s about experimenting. Trying things on. Seeing what fits.
- Maybe you think you’re introverted, but you actually love being around the right kind of people.
- Maybe you were always told you’re “too sensitive,” but that sensitivity is your greatest strength.
- Maybe you abandoned a childhood dream because it felt impractical, but now it’s calling you back.
- You might take up a hobby you were once discouraged from pursuing.
- Expressing an opinion you used to keep to yourself.
- You might dress in a way that feels authentic, even if it’s not what others expect.
- You might say no to things you’ve always said yes to, just to see how it feels.
Experimentation is about play. It’s about giving yourself permission to explore without judgment. Some experiments will feel right; others won’t. That’s okay. The goal is not to get it perfect, but to get it real. Each experiment brings you closer to the self you were never allowed to have.
Embrace the Messiness
Building a self is messy. It’s not a linear process, and it doesn’t come with a manual. There will be moments of doubt, fear, and confusion. You might feel like an imposter, or worry that you’re doing it wrong. You might grieve the time you lost, or struggle to let go of the person you were supposed to be.
But here’s the thing: messiness is part of the process. It’s a sign that you’re doing something real. The self you’re building is not a polished, finished product. It’s a work in progress, full of contradictions and imperfections. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s beautiful. The messiness is where the magic happens. It’s where you discover the parts of yourself that were hidden, the parts that make you unique.
Be willing to be the Villian in some stories
When you start showing up as your true self, not everyone will like it. Some people benefitted from your self-doubt, low self-worth, shrinking of yourself or the validation they got from you being a certain way, for instance, a caregivers pride in an obedient child, or you being manipulatable because of their ability to evoke feelings of guilt and shame.
They are some that are invested in the version of you that made them comfortable. This changes may cause them to paint you as a villain, a bad person or someone who is hurting them in some way.
They might say:
- You’ve changed. (Good.)
- You’re being selfish. (No, you’re setting boundaries.)
- That’s not like you. (Maybe it is, and you just never felt safe enough to show it.)
Other people’s discomfort is not your responsibility. It is not a sign that you should shrink.
Find Your People
If you want to become the self you were never allowed to have, you need to find people who will support and celebrate that self. People who are willing to walk with you as you grow and evolve.
These might be friends, mentors, or communities that share your values and interests. They might be people who have gone through similar journeys and can offer guidance and encouragement.
This process may require vulnerability and courage. It will also require a level of experimentation with different people and types of people. You might have to let go of relationships that no longer serve you, step outside your comfort zone to meet new people and being okay with connections that don’t work. This is because not everyone is for us.
But it’s worth it. When you find your people, you create a space where your true self can thrive.
Give Yourself Permission
At the heart of this journey is one simple but profound act: giving yourself permission. Permission to exist. Permission to take up space. Permission to be messy, imperfect, and real. This is the most radical thing you can do. It’s also the most necessary.
For so long, you were told—explicitly or implicitly—that you had to be a certain way to be loved, accepted, or successful. But here’s the truth: you don’t. You are allowed to be yourself. You are allowed to want what you want, feel what you feel, and dream what you dream. You are allowed to build a life that feels like yours.
Watch out Guild and the friend Shame
As you go through this process you may need to watch and even be vigilant over the feelings of guilt and shame. Because this are conditioned responses to keep us in line when we fall out line. They may even show up when the new us is not validated, approved or accepted in certain circles but by certain people.
These emotions may tempt us to go back to who we were as we try to alleviate them. Always remember that:
- It would be a terrible disservice to the world if they you that you are, existed but never lived.
- Your life begins when you know that you only have one life to live.
- There are people out there waiting on you, the real you, to show up.
- If you live other peoples lives, who are you waiting for to live yours?
- Other people are not the authors of your existence, someone greater is? They have neither written you story or know your path?
Celebrate the Self
When you were never allowed to be fully yourself, you might have internalized the idea that something about you is wrong. That to be loved, you have to perform, adjust, earn your place.
- But what if you didn’t?
- What if you spoke to yourself with the same gentleness you wish you had received?
- What if you treated your evolving self with patience instead of criticism?
- What if you gave yourself the kind of love you always longed for?
You are not too much. You are not too little. You are. You are allowed to exist fully.
Celebrate who you are, in this moment! don’t wait for an outcome or to become. Celebrate the self who you are in this moment.
Acknowledge and appreciate your wants and don’t wants, your feels and don’t feels, your likes and don’t likes. Even if your honoring of them is not perfect, celebrate that connection to your self in the present, in the moment. Because we live moment by moment.
Also about reminding yourself how far you’ve come and celebrate that.
I am who I am in this moment and that is enough.
You weren’t given permission to be your full self before. But now, you get to give it to yourself. So go ahead. Reclaim the pieces. Try things out. Love what you find.
Be the self you were never allowed to have. live as that person—unapologetically.
Remember it requires courage, curiosity, and compassion. But it’s also one of the most rewarding things you can do. It’s a journey of discovery, creation, and liberation.
It’s a journey home—to the self that was waiting, all along, to be set free.
