Have you ever felt like you’re not in control of your own life? Or maybe you struggle to speak up for yourself without feeling guilty? Well, guess what? You’re not alone, and there’s an amazing book called “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Manuel J. Smith that’s here to help.
Assertiveness
Being assertive means standing up for yourself and expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a confident and respectful way.
It’s about knowing your rights and boundaries, and communicating them clearly to others. Being assertive helps you to speak up for yourself, make decisions that are right for you, and maintain healthy relationships with others.
It’s like being strong and confident, but also kind and respectful to yourself and others at the same time.
Non-assertiveness
Non-assertiveness means not standing up for yourself or expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly.
It’s like being too shy or scared to speak up when something bothers you or when you want something. People who are non-assertive might let others walk all over them or may agree to things they don’t really want to do, just to avoid conflict.
They might feel anxious or uncomfortable in social situations and struggle to assert themselves. Non-assertiveness can lead to feeling taken advantage of or resentful because your own needs aren’t being met.
Assertive Rights
Assertive rights are like your personal power-ups. They’re the basic rights you have as a person to stand up for yourself and be treated with respect.
You have rights! In the book “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Manuel J. Smith, there’s something called the 10 Bill of Assertive Rights.
Let’s break them down in simple terms:
- You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
- This means that you have the right to decide what’s right or wrong for you. You don’t have to let others tell you how to feel or behave. You’re in charge of yourself!
- You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.
- You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your actions. It’s okay to do things just because you want to, without feeling like you have to justify yourself to others.
- You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
- You’re not obligated to solve everyone else’s problems. It’s okay to decide whether or not you want to help, without feeling guilty if you choose not to.
- You have the right to change your mind.
- People change their minds all the time, and that’s perfectly okay! You have the right to change your plans or decisions if you want to, without feeling bad about it.
- You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.
- Making mistakes is a part of life, and it’s okay to mess up sometimes. You’re allowed to learn from your mistakes and take responsibility for them, without being too hard on yourself.
- You have the right to say, ‘I don’t know’.
- It’s okay to admit when you don’t know something. You don’t have to pretend to have all the answers. Asking questions and seeking help when you need it is totally fine!
- You have the right to choose to accept or not accept “help”.
- You have the right to decide whether or not you want help from others. It’s okay to accept help when you need it, but you’re also allowed to say no if you prefer to handle things on your own.
- You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
- Sometimes, decisions don’t always make sense to others, and that’s okay! You have the right to make choices based on your feelings or intuition, even if they seem illogical to others.
- You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’.
- It’s okay to ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. You don’t have to pretend to understand just to please others. Asking questions is how we learn!
- You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’.
- You have the right to express when something isn’t important to you. It’s okay to prioritize your own feelings and needs, even if others might not agree. Your feelings matter!
Assertiveness Techniques or Strategies
Here’s a description of assertiveness technique highlighted in the book that you can use:
- Broken Record: Imagine you’re negotiating with a friend about which movie to watch. You want to see a comedy, but your friend insists on a thriller. Instead of getting upset, you calmly repeat, “I really feel like watching a comedy tonight.”
- Free Information: During a conversation with a colleague, they mention they enjoy hiking. You follow up by asking about their favorite hiking trails or experiences, keeping the conversation flowing.
- Self-Disclosure: When discussing plans with a friend, you express that you feel anxious about large crowds. This helps your friend understand your perspective and may lead to finding a compromise that suits both of you.
- Fogging: If someone criticizes your work by saying, “You’re always late with your reports,” you could respond, “You’re right, I was late with this report. I’ll work on improving my timeliness.” By acknowledging the truth in the criticism, you disarm the situation.
- Negative Assertion: Suppose a coworker criticizes your presentation skills. You respond with, “You’re right, I did stumble over my words during the presentation. I’ll practice more to improve.” This shows that you’re confident enough to acknowledge areas for improvement without feeling defensive.
- Workable Compromise: When deciding on dinner plans with your partner, they suggest Italian food, but you prefer Mexican. You offer to compromise by suggesting a restaurant that offers both cuisines, allowing you both to enjoy your favorite foods. This shows flexibility and consideration for each other’s preferences.Source: “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Manuel J. Smith
